Musings

Today was a FUN day with my family! My wife planned a "mystery trip" to Hershey's Chocolate World for the kids, and it ended up being a beautiful day that included time at a small but fun playground as well as Chocolate World. Fun though it was, though, the day was also really challenging for me because it was my first time being surrounded by many of my favorite foods which I can no longer eat in any meaningful amount.

Milkshakes, cookies, brownies, cupcakes, candy bars, etc. All of these things fall into my most enjoyed foods category and yet now I can't eat much, if any, of them. The temptations throughout the afternoon were terribly frustrating, but I was proud that I limited myself to just one small milk chocolate bar and did not gorge myself like I would've pre-diagnoses. That said, though, the ubiquitous, chocolatey smell eventually became maddening, and I found myself in a really bad mood toward the end of the afternoon, which—though I did a good job of hiding it from my kids—did not go unnoticed by my wife.

After leaving Chocolate World, we needed to get dinner, but most of the nearby restaurants were closed since it's Easter Sunday. Of the few open options, we ended up at McDonalds, which layered more frustration onto my already-sour mood; after all, if I'm going to eat lots of carbs in a single meal, I'd prefer it happen at a good restaurant. Nonetheless, there we were, so I placed my order and we drove to a park to eat. Upon unwrapping my order, I discovered that it had been made almost completely wrong, and so any chance of enjoying my dinner was dashed. As I said to Victoria once the kids went to play on the nearby playground for a few minutes: "You know, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm in denial, but, right now, I'm just angry."

That's been the hardest part of this journey so far (all 4 weeks of it). My emotions are still all over the place, and random food moments trigger me into sadness or anger or jealousy. I know all of this will get easier, but it sucks right now.